Thank You All

 

 I know ya'll keep saying I can do this and that, but it was me who got me here in the 1st place, because I had no discipline or help or encouragement to fix this mess.

 

Yes I did all those things, but still not the Mental Health Dept., again, as the 1st visist went bad, and yes I want to get healthier, but having someone is almost needed for me, or so I think, a partner in Crime sort to speak, not really crime thou , that's cruel, but ya know what I mean, I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE, TIRED OF IT, HONEST.

God Bless ya'll and I do and will pray for you all and me too, but loneliness bites the big one, sorry.

 

Patrick

 

I weighed in at 417lbs  at the nutrionist and we agreed that for 1 month no soda pop.

I'll try to add no donut,when I get my morning donut and bagel for 1.75 and  instead only get 1 bagel w/p-butter.

Also got appt with Foot Doc in 2  1/2 weeks and the Sleep Apnea Doc too.

So things are in motion, but still no one to help me but me, no real support group, other than you guys and gals here, but be honest, while cool and all, it is not like having a partner to yell at you or maybe explain to you what you need to do and help you do it, know what I mean?

 Well gotta run

 

 Patrick

 

I been praying and still the real motivation and action has left me, I am without the get up and do it motivation, it was taken and trampled down and never put back.

 

 I pray this alot and think it may have kept Diabete's a bay for now, but it won't forever.

 

GOD OUR FATHER, 
WALK THROUGH MY HOUSE 
AND TAKE AWAY ALL MY WORRIES AND ILLNESSES; 
AND PLEASE WATCH OVER AND HEAL MY FAMILY 
IN JESUS ' NAME.. AMEN 

 

My Family are all of you here, because I really have no immediate Family to help me and that may be one of my downfalls, the being all alone, and until you are you just do not know how defeating it can be, but I do and it scares me, as I am beaten, yet I want to keep going, kinda, but only if I can change and get things, my life and myself in order, which it seems is too hard

 

 

God Bless Patrick

Thank you, I am so relieved, and blessed, and yet I still wanted to just now drink a pepsi, and have a ham sandwich with a cambells tomato soup, the microwavable can, so where is this resolve, this discipline, it is gone, my desire is gone, I am so beaten down lately, that going on is just no fun, ( disclaimer here, I'm not suicidal, ok, trust me on this) ,eating healthy and such is not doable for me, that is my attitude now. Even after the result form today.

Now the above paragraph, all that is Bull Dookey, and be it as it may even the writing of A daily food diary that the Doc asked for on the 1st visit, lasted just 3 days before I said the heck with it.

Maybe I am depressed and need to see someone, but i don't even want to do that either, as I went over there once and the place was a madhouse, and the receptionist was not friendly at all, so I left.

The woe is me has finally won , and I am not motivated anymore, even thou I am sure deep down I'd like to be fit again, I just wish to givee up, WHY

well it has been a year or so now since I been on this board, yes?

1. In all that time I have not been able to afford this food yet, not even 1 month of it. Even asked NS for some possible help with affording it, but no response from anyone, but then this is a business, not a Charity, and tha's ok.

2. My life has went from worse to worser, from truck driver/ owner, to a bum living out of the homeless shelter in different cities thruout America, nothing but failed attempts at getting back on track with my life.

3. I may have been too honest here, but my life has been presented here in living color, nothing held back, but still I am all alone and still working for nothing, like uneducated people usaully do, woe is me, but yet my attempts have all failed to get me back on track, back on my feet, and I do not think I can try again, I am out of it mentally and physically to even try to do anything again, failure sucks.

4. I was told I should just apply for disability as a fat person who can not work, which is true for the trucking industry, my weight and sleep apnea has taken me out of being able to work as a trucker now....chekc out the new regulations, yet I could lose weight and possibly the sleep apnea too, but why?

5. Why try anymore, it has not ever worked for me yet, I can not even make 350.00 for a month of NS special D meals, let alone next month when the track ends , I will again be forced out into the streets as I will not be able to pay my rent of 500.00, becuase my job will not pay me that much, I know this because it happened already once, here, remember, I do.

6. Loneliness, and unsuccesfulness, two things I can't shake clear of, so why try anymore, I am beat, sorry all.

7. I am a wuss, wimp or lazy dog, whatever , I just can not find a reason to try anymore and I see nothing in the my future that might , just might shed some light on me, nope nothing but darkness ahead. 100-140 a week or less for 12 hr shifts, mostly less, and no job prospects, I been looking, trust me, or don't , it doesn't matter anymore.

8. enough already, i am done here, and will be back to read this later.

This is my new , used laptop, I got for 125.00 at the truckstop, whoopppeee. let me see if I can attach a photo, okay

 

This is what happened to my trailer, oops , just doesn't do it justice does it??

It seems I will be here till Monday, my truck is being held in lieu of payment for the salvage job done wioth my trailer, and boy is my company mad as heck about it too...but I think my job is secure until I can bring them back there truck , then whamo, see yah, wouldn't want to be yah, type of situation.

If that happened then , it would be for the best, but it would be tough on me, but if I found a cab job, somewhere that would be easy enough for me to get around, then I would feel pretty sure about getting back on track for good and maybe even finding my stride again.

Never give up I say, but this is my life and I do love being alive, don't we all, deep down love living, I know I do, even at this weight, because I know i can change and God willing, and he is, then the situation needed for me to succeed will find it's way to become my reality, I truly belive that, even after the disaster in Denver, I would do it again in Florida, Arizona, Alalska, Seattle, or where-ever I think I could make it work, any ideas or sugesstions , feel free...please

Have not weighed self for awhile, as i feel I may have gone up latel;y, hope not , but maybe...

 

I really did it today, I caught my trailer on fire and it was a total loss, but the fantastic fire dept, from pineville , mo. saved the truck thou.

Like my weight loss journey, it too has been a losing battle lately, and I think a change is necessary to make this work, why, well course both economically and ease of comfort foods, are to easily winning the battle , they are priced right, as my money must be budgeted, and Biscuits and Gravy, Hot dogs, the Dollar menu, are easy quick meals, meals that I do not need, but can't stop grabbing, sorry, i know this is pretty sad and stupid, but i will not lie here, it is almost impossible to say no to these foods, why, who knows, no discipline or even worse an underlining surrender to this fight for my life, and that is not the caser, but my action say otherwise, why, what do i do, how do i stop, yeah i know just stop, but i can't.....

is there still hope for me, maybe , but a change is necessary, and burning my trailer may have cost me my job, so a change is coming soon, probally, and that means back to the Rescue Mission, it don't take much to be homeless today, but where should i go, any great city that i could drive a taxi in, ?????

gotta go my time is up on this computer, more later if I can

God Bless you'all

 

I am in NJ for a load going to Ohio, Columbus to be precise, but it think I may be back tracking again.

I am not doing what I need to do, even had 2 dreaded pepsi's in the last 2 weeks, an I'm eating crazy again, this truck is getting the best of me again, how do I stop it, other than get out of it, which we found to not be an easy thing to do for me, I tried and ended up back in it again. Need a swift kick in the pants to straighten up and stay on course, but I'm unable to kick that high, help...

Hope you'all are doing fine, been keeping you in my prayers, hope it is working for you, let me know of your successess, please.

God Bless

It seems that I passed my drive test this morning and only now need to pass my Physical this afternoon, and I will be employed again, let's pray this happens.

I have been stressed a little lately, what , living in the Boise Rescue Mission, then getting a job and doing my best to make sure all goes well so I will be hired, like keeping my Blood pressure down low enough, somewhere below, 140 over 90,  under that and I will be okay, any idea's???

At 1pm I go for my Physical, so I will know this afternoon most likely, I do hope all of you'all are doing great today, my prayers are with you'all, remember, never never never give up...

Update later today, if I can