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Reflections.. 11.07.09
So, as embarrassed and ashamed as I am to say this.. I've basically stopped losing weight, mainly because dinner is my weakness. I'm maintaining the 15 pounds that I've lost so far (which I'm thrilled about).. but I'm not really losing anymore. Since school has gotten back in session, I've been super stressed and have been having lots of time management issues. I don't exercise everyday like how I'm supposed to - I was doing really well with the whole exercise program until school started and I moved into a new apartment. Because of my schedule (I have class until 6:45 some nights of the week), I rarely get to see my family, and because my family has weight issues like myself, we always end up socializing around the dinner table. We always end up picking places that don't have many healthy options (think fast food places that seriously only sell burgers, hotdogs, and BBQ, or italian restaurants - my weakness, for sure!)
This is going to sound really lame, but.. do you ever watch youtube videos - in particular, LifeCasters like CTFxC and ShayCarl - and really wish that your life was more like theirs? Well, I do.. on a daily basis, almost. I look at Charles Trippy and his fiance Alli (CTFxC channel) and wish that I were as active and healthy and fit like they were and wish my life was as exciting as theirs. They all just seem so happy while I'm always bummed out over my appearance. I guess it's that never ending cycle of depression that I've always dealt with, in reference to food. ShayCarl is actually who motivated me to get back on this weightloss thing for good. He's made me realize that small goals are the best way to achieve larger goals; I've always heard this - small steps turn into long distances - but I've never truly applied it to myself. ShayCarl has decided to lose weight and he is going on a raw foods diet (uncooked veggies & fruits, mainly) until Thanksgiving, kind of as a detox plan. Watching his videos on ShayCarl (and his new channel dedicated to his weight loss experience ShayLoss) made me realize that I'm really sabotaging myself in all of this. It would definitely be nice to get the support from the people who helped me get the size I am now, but I need to learn to support myself instead of requiring support and help from others. Pretty sad to think about, but it's true.
Another thing that's probably holding me back is that I'm most likely a food addict. I looked up some information on food addiction (I go on reality tv junkie somedays.. rarely, but maybe a day or two a month lol I was watching one of those rehab shows on Vh1 and it made me wonder if I was a food addict) and according to the questions, I definitely have a major food addiction. I eat all the time because I am bored or stressed instead of being hungry. I eat different when I'm alone or when I'm with people I trust, opposed to people I don't know well and I fear will judge me for how much I eat. There have been lots of times (tonight included) where I just get so out of control that I absolutely can't stop eating.. I definitely binge eat somedays. I feel guilty and ashamed about what I've eaten a lot of the time. I'm definitely waiting for my life to begin "when I lose the weight" and I feel hopeless about my relationship with food a lot of the time. I ordered some information from this group called Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) and I am definitely without a doubt a food addict. So at this point, I'm just completely lost as to what to do. Now that I know that I AM a food addict, what's the next step? I've tried losing weight ever since I was 8 years old and it never lasts for me. I lost weight when I was 14-15, got down to 140 pounds which is healthy for my height, and then gained it back, plus some over the rest of my high school life. Now I'm at the heaviest point I've ever been, so.. I'm unsure what to do next. I need my own food rehab! lol Actually, that would probably be incredibly beneficial to me lol But unfortunately, I can't exactly have someone live with me and take care of me 24/7 to lock up the food from me lol I need food detox lol
Anyway, this is getting super long and I highly doubt anyone will read this at this point. :P If you finished all this, congratulations. You just wasted a bunch of your time reading some stranger's ramblings :P
K
P.S. I hope this shows up on everyone's screen okay :/ On mine, it's cutting off a large chunk of the right side of the screen. Weird.
Published Saturday, November 07, 2009 02:53 AM by kaitlyn531
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