I have written my reasons for wanting to lose weight a few times and I always hid them in various places so I could pull them out when I needed them, but NO ONE else could see them EVER. This time is different. I am posting it right here for everyone to see because this time I'm committed.

1. I want to feel sexy!
2. I want to feel in control.
3. I want to wear the pretty clothes in my closet and enjoy shopping for smaller sizes when these get too big.
4. I want to reduce my risk of diabetes.
5. I want make a better first impression.
6. I want to be a good role model.
7. I want to enjoy going to the beach with my friends.
8. I want to look good in DS's childhood pictures.
9. I want to be a hot mama!
10. I want to live as long as I can.

I could easily come up with 10 more. Makes me wonder -- if I can easily spit out allll the reasons I want to lose weight, what took me so long?

I hope to NEVER see you again!!! I haven't seen the 170s since last summer -- the last time I tried NS. I was comfortably sitting in the low 170s, lowest I'd been in years. I felt great and I thought I looked great. Then, I was out with the man I was with at the time and another man asked me if I was pregnant. I was mortified. So, I showed him by gaining 10 pounds, then 15. I watched it happen and actually encouraged myself to weigh more. "You're still at 178. You've got 2 pounds to go. Have some ice cream!" Sick. Of course, I didn't stop at 180. I pushed right up to 188. I don't want to know that person ever again. Now I want the next decade LOWER, not the next decade higher! Here I come 160s!

I might float away. I will learn to LOVE water, gosh darn it. Today, I decided it would be a good idea to teach my son how important water is. So, today, he was allowed to have water or milk. If he wanted juice, he just had to have some water first. His response? "Ok, mommy." Wow, everything should be that easy! And, hey, if he an do it, so can I.

So, some new rules for me:
1. Drink a glass of water before morning coffee.
2. Drink 2 glasses after I get to work, before lunch.
3. Diet soda with lunch.
4. Drink 3 glass before I leave the office.
5. Drink 1 glass with dinner.
6. Drink 1 glass at night.

That gives me 8 glasses. Starts tomorrow...

Today was not my best day. It was too soon and I was not ready to face the cookie tray or the bottle of wine on the table. I am going to go to bed.

Tomorrow is my first real weigh-in. I hope the scale reflects all of the many good choices I have made during the past 7 days. I exercised even when I didn't want to. I did not have one piece of Halloween candy. I did not have one beer during the entire World Series (which, by the way, seems to be ending today, unfortunately). I enjoyed my NS food. I even enjoyed the extra broccoli I decided to add to dinner tonight. But, tomorrow is also my first day off of NS. I have a lunch meeting and a business dinner, so tomorrow I will try to make good choices and be in control of anything that passes my lips. Then, on Friday, I am going to the Daughtry concert in AC. Super excited to see him and to have a wild and crazy girls night -- but I know it will mean dinner out and drinks and more drinks and a late night snack after all those drinks. It's always tough to balance the desire to have a normal relationship with food with the reality that I don't. I promised myself that I would do this plan one step at a time. First, I will look forward to my weigh-in. What I cannot do is think "oh, I have 2 bad days ahead of me so I'll start again on Saturday." No, I need to remember that every calorie counts. Every calorie counts... I am going to tap into that inner control freak and make good choices. Hopefully, my next post will be "I did it!"

I've never been thin. I was always the chubby kid or "beached whale" as the evil kid down the street called me. I have often wondered, during each of my many weight loss attempts, whether that fact makes it easier -- because I don't know what I'm missing -- or harder -- because I'm not even sure if I have the ability not to be overweight. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to wear a bikini or feel the need to cover up for any reason other than shame. What I have had before, and don't have now, are hip bones. I feel them, but I don't see them when I look in the mirror. When I was in my third year of law school, I lost 45 pounds on Weight Watchers. I felt great. I still wouldn't have worn a 2-piece bathing suit, but I felt comfortable in my own skin and I even walked differently. I had hip bones and I want them back. They're in there and I'm going to find them again.

My son just said so. I, of course, can't put into words how much I actually want to be a pretty awesome mommy. I want to set good examples. I want to be a good role model. I want him to view women as strong and confident. And, I realize that it all starts with how I view myself. I know that weight loss people always tell you that you have to do it for yourself and not for anyone else. Does it count if I want to do it for myself because I want to be a pretty awesome mommy? Not just for him, but for me. It is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest challenge, and my greatest joy. We stayed home today because my sweet little boy was sick last night. I successfully resisted the urge to reach into his Halloween basket this morning and to share his pretzel this afternoon. I am giving myself mad pats on the back for that!!! Another day on plan and I'm feeling great. I am looking forward to my dessert and tea after the little man goes to bed in a few hours. One last thought for today... I think that teaching my son to be in control of his impulses is the best lesson I give him. He needs to learn to control the urge to hit or yell or run around the room at story time. I see now that I also need to learn to control the urge to order a brownie at Starbucks and to stop eating when I'm full, even if the food on my plate is really good. As I have seen so many times before, my little "student" has once again become the teacher.

11.01.09. So I decided to join the November challenge, which means I had to weigh in on Day 4 instead of waiting until my Thursday weigh-in. YAY -- down 2.2!!! I'll take it! 10.31.09. I just took my before picture and can't believe I let myself think "it's not that bad." YES IT IS! I don't think this picture will ever make its way online, but I can no longer deny what it shows. Ok, time to get to work! 10.29.09. Day one!