I have slacked off again. I haven't exercised in almost 2 weeks now...and I can't tell you the last time I have had a perfect on-plan day. Seriously. And to boot, I stepped on the scale and it gave me a not so nice reading. I know, I know...it's my own choice. Eat on plan or eat what everyone else is eating. On-plan gets me nice scale readings, pounds dropped...an actual waistline. Eating what everyone else is eating seems like a good idea at the time, but now look at me. Waistline that I was getting? Gone. Nice 49 lb. weightloss? Gone. Nice feeling of self-esteem and like I'm an actual normal person who deserves the things that every other normal person deserves? You guessed it...gone. I'm not sure what it is about the extra weight that we carry that makes us think that we aren't worthy of the things that the "thin" or normal people are worthy of...but there it is. My self-esteem is practically rock bottom right now, and it's all my own doing. I know better. This happens EVERY time and I promised myself that it wouldn't happen this time, yet it is. Why? Am I afraid of what being thin entails? New clothes. Fabulous self-esteem. What the heck is so wrong with me that I'd be SO weirded out by having a normal looking shape that I would sabotage myself each and every time I get half-way there? I am well on my way to gaining back every ounce that I had lost in the first place, and by personal experience, I know that if that happens, ALL those pounds come back with friends. I started out on my NS journey almost 1 year ago at 271. I got myself down to 221.4 at my lowest. I think that I'm somewhere in the 240 range right now. There is absolutely no reason for that. I should be at goal. I should have been at goal months ago. But like I said. No one to blame but me. I know how I am. I know that I have to have some kind of food addiction, but I also know that I can overcome that. I have before- to lose 50 lbs. I can do it again. I NEED to do that again, because I refuse to let the scale go back up one more ounce closer to that 271. Today is a new day. A fresh start...Today, I redirect myself down the path to healthy living... My fiance and I drive over the road, so I have limited access to the NS site, but starting now, every chance I get I will get on here and blog. I will make goals for myself. I will get weightloss back, exercise, drink my water....and screw what everyone else is eating! It's not even worth it to eat that junk. It tastes good for the moment, but isn't worth all the low self-esteem and having to tattle on myself in a blog on the NS website for all y'all to see! :) OK. I'm done rambling on now...except to give myself a goal. This week: get myself back onto the NS plan and exercise. I plan on losing the first 3 lbs towards my goal...

Weightloss and I are trying the "friends" thing. Apparently after being treated so badly and cheated on for the last 4 months, he's wanting to take things slow. Honestly though, our relationship is starting to feel like it did in the beginning! Weightloss would make me feel giddy- make me feel good about myself. And the last two weeks especially, I've been feeling like Weightloss is flirting with me! (he's given me 2 very nice gifts via my scale- almost 7 lbs gone!) What brought on this change? Our wonderful relationship councellor, Dr. Exercise. We started going to Dr. Exercise about twice a week, but going there seems to do such a wonderful job- making me feel like weightloss and I have a fighting chance, that we've gone to see Dr. Exercise 4x this week- always half hour sessions... I think Dr. Exercise is the best thing I could have done for weightloss and myself. If you and your weightloss are struggling- I could get ya Dr. Exercise's number! So worth it!!

Day 5 of 40: I didn't weigh the first day I started trying to get weightloss back. I think I was too worried what I'd find. But 2 days ago, I went ahead and weighed. Up to 227# from 221#. Ok- I am not going to boohoo about it. It was deserved. I haven't been treating weightloss very well since Christmas. He retailiated. Understandable. But what I didn't expect was this. I have been trying to woo weightloss back. And I think it's working! I weighed again today, and I have lost 1.6 lbs since two days ago. It's promising to say the least. Like I finally got weightloss to talk to me on the phone after having him hang up on me repeatedly. *sigh* There's hope! :)

I've started day 3 of trying to convince weightloss to come back to me. I've eaten 100% and exercised 2 out of the three days. I'm not sure what else I can do to convince him that I am serious this time... That I can't do this without him. I could make sure that I drink all my water on top of everything else. Weightloss used to like it when I drank all my water. I know that once I convince weightloss to come back, it doesn't stop there. He needs to see that I'm making the effort to keep him around too. It takes a lot of dedication. I'll keep up what I'm doing- get him back, and I won't let him go this time- (until I'm done with weightloss and move on to the next guy- Maintanence. But don't tell weightloss, ok?)

Patrick and I were home for a couple of days while our truck was being fixed. We were sitting there, and decided to watch a movie. My sister had recommended Fireproof, a movie with Kirk Cameron in it. Since he is my crush from long ago, I was all for it. (he is still too cute for words) I an not going to give any of the movie away, for those who have not seen it, but I am going to say, if you have not had a chance to watch this movie yet, please do! It was SO good! Whether you have a great relationship, a bad one, or no one at all... It gets you thinking. Of course it got me thinking about Patrick and my relationship. (which is a great relationship- that's why I agreed to marry him in December) but it also got me thinking about my weight loss. I'm going to get a little cheesy here and say that weightloss is a little bit like a relationship. You have your good times and your bad times. They both require a commitment though. It's up to you to decide how great that commitment is. Are you the type that makes the commitment, gives it all you got, and sees it through to the end no matter what- without straying? Or are you the type that gets tempted, even may stray a little- or a lot? Maybe the type that goes into a restaurant and sees the chocolate cake giving you looks? You love your weightloss, but that chocolate cake is so tempting, and your weightloss hasn't been that great lately. You've been trying, but the weightloss doesn't seem like it's giving you as much as it had in the past. One little indescretion with the chocolate cake won't hurt. No one will know. You'll just have this one time with chocolate cake, and go back to weightloss like nothing happened. But weightloss will know... Will find out. And that one time with chocolate cake? It becomes more. You end up cheating on weightloss with banana cream pie, cookie, AND ice cream. How can you do that to poor weight loss? After everything weight loss hasdone for you! I am that cheater. I try to stay true to weight loss, but there are times I slip. I think it happens to a lot of us. Most of the time, weight loss forgives me for my straying- sometimes he gets a little stubborn and doesn't come back for a couple of weeks. I miss him while he's gone. There is regret. Why did I cheat in the first place. I do everything I can to get him back. Then after watching the movie, it hits me. Fireproof my weight loss- duh! For the next 40 days, I will be doing things to strengthen my relationship with weightloss- so that when times of temptation come up, it won't be a problem. I know I can get there- weightloss and I had that kind of relationship in the beginning. So, for today, the first thing I will do- as this is day one- is do something nice for weight loss. I am going to eat 100% on plan for weight loss today. I'm sure he'll appreciate it. Here's to making your weightloss "Fireproof" Jessica

It all started when they updated and changed the website last- being in a truck and depending on my iPhone as my mode of checking in on the NS website worked perfectly well before the update. I could get on every day, read my mail, blog, etc. (I couldn't really track my food online, but I have my handy dandy meal planner for that) But usually no problem. Then came the update. Now half the time I get an error message just trying to get to the blogs or my inbox. I'm impressed that it's let me get this far on this blog! (now, if it'll just let me publish it, I'd be golden!) Now, mind you, I'm not complaining about this. I'm a very patient person. I am simply explainig why I said I'd be on here more, and it doesn't look like I have. Like I said, putting in the effort but the results aren't showing. (on my blog- not diet. Lost a pound since Wednesday so far. After my self-imposed plateau, Ill take it!) Ok, yesterday (or was it the day before? I tend to block out painful memories) Patrick and I had delieveries spread all over CA. (ok- not ALL over. It wasn't like we drove from SF to San Diego or anything) We did have multiple deliveries though, going from Thousand Palms (by Chester's house. Sadly we didn't get to stay long enough to have a visit) to Compton to Rancho Cucamonga to Pico Rivera to Bakersfield. Those of you familiar with CA problably know the drive from Rancho to Pico was about 35 miles, if that. It took about an hour to get there. Not too bad for being in traffic. Pico to Bakersfield- well, it took who knows how long. I can say I was in traffic on I-5 for a few hours of going 10MPH or less. (I'm a patient person though.) I'll be honest though. I didn't do ANYTHING that day. No NS website. No physical activities of any kind. (I usually get outside with the dog and throw her little squeeky yellow football to her, the chase her while she makes a mad dash to run by me- I obviously try to tackle her... it IS a game of football, which I find funny that my dog seems to understand the concept of football) So, I'll quit rattling on, just wanted to say (if it publishes my post to where you can actually read said ramblings) that I am making the effort to be present everyday. I AM serious about my weightloss- and keeping in touch with all my NS pals. And I do LOVE Cali- just not the traffic! :) Keep on keepin' on! Jessica

Just had to add one little thing. After I blogged about being MIA- I measured myself. I rarely do that, cuz I'm forever losing the little measuring tape thingy. I have happy news to report though. Since September, I have lost over 26" of ookie chub from my body! And about 10" of that was from my midsection alone! Niiiiiice! So, THAT'S why all my jeans are falling off my rear and the rest of my clothing hangs on me like I'm a lil' ragamuffin!  So- haven't lost poundage in a while, but the inches make me happy for now. And next week, when the scale says my self-induced plateau is over....well, that'll be yippee skippy for me!

So there! Take THAT, evil M&M mini's! You will not defeat me! Mwhaa ha ha ha aa!

Keep on fightin' the good fight!

Jessica

   Yep, I haven't even looked at the website for....well, a long while. I should be looking at it everyday. It really does help one keep focus and keep motivated. What happens when you lose motivation? You gain. Thank goodness I haven't lost complete motivation. I haven't gained, per se...but I haven't lost anything either. So- for all you NSers that are going strong- STAY strong. It's hell getting back to 100% like you should be. It's really easy to tell yourself that this one little thing isn't going to hurt your weightloss, or I can eat this and try for 100% tomorrow. Doesn't work, folks. You can talk yourself into eating ANYTHING. (Especially when you think- it didn't take me long to lose 50 lbs, if eating at Outback makes me gain a lb or two, it'll be gone again in no time!) Seriously, wrong frame of mind.

   Luckily, like I said, I have been lucky enough to keep myself from gaining, but I've been a half of a pound away (give or take)  from getting my 50 lb bear for at least a month now! I've lost no more than 5 lbs in all the time between Christmas and today. That should have been, what...almost 30? Seriously. I could have been in ONEderland by now. But- there is no use in thinking 'should have been'. It's now "What are you going to do about it?" I am getting myself into GO mode. No more excuses. 100% days from now on. I know what I've done wrong. I know how to fix it. Tough love obviously doesn't work for me. Different approach. I'm just going to stop being childish in my dietary thinking. I have to remember, just because I want something doesn't mean I should have it. I have to BE STRONG. Once I get back into the swing, I'm going to need to KEEP STRONG!

   I have 9 more months until I walk down the aisle. I have a gorgeous dress. I want to look gorgeous in that dress. That is my motivation. I'm going to keep myself motivated by actually getting on the website more and reading and writing blogs like I used to. Every day. I thank y'all in advance for your support. :)

Peace, love, and no more M&M mini's-

Jessica

 

   Okay. I didn't want to have to do this, but I leave me no choice. This is not the way to have a happy diet. I know this. I learn this the hard way each and every time. I lose a HUUUUUUGE chunk of weight (pardon the pun) and I am all proud of myself for doing so well. Then, I have something I shouldn't. I tell myself "it's OK. You've lost this much weight already, and it's been relatively easy. You can have this *insert name of bad food here* and it won't hurt you. It's just this one time.

   Then a couple of days later, I'll be out with family or something. Everyone is having *insert name of bad food here* I think, it's only one time. I'm going to eat what everyone else is eating too... Now, this has slowed the weight loss waaaaaaay down. To the point that during the month of January, I only lose about 2.5 lbs. (That's in a WHOLE MONTH!) I still think- "It's OK. I'm still losing at least. It'll pick up."

   Then comes a Valentine's Day excursion to Branson, MO. with my beloved. Romantic weekend in a beautiful condo. Steak dinner with all the fixin's. A bottle of wine and a bottle of bubbly. Chocolate covered strawberries, and all this in the bath drawn for me in the whirlpool tub. (strawberries hand fed to me, of course. He's the ultimate romantic) A wonderful dinner the next night at a Japanese steak house where they cook everything 'habatchi' (sp) style...on the grill at your table right in front of you. I saw how much butter the chef put into my food. I thought "this is all ok. It's vacation! We haven't had a REAL vacation in...um, never? Not together, at least. I'll get back on plan when I get home! I can't gain THAT much in 3 days"

   Then comes the arguement. The one that makes it so I hardly want to LOOK at him, let alone talk to him. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear, is the problem. I know he's not lying to me, though I did call him a liar. It happened the next morning. I woke up, went down stairs and said hi to him. I stepped upon him, asking him to be nice....praying that he'd be nice. He has always been relatively pleasant before... not so much. He said I gained 2.4 lbs while on vacation. I said "Say whaaat?? YOU LIE!" I got off and kicked him! Not hard. I didn't break him, but geeeez! I gained back in 3 days what it took me a month to lose?!? Granted it's only 2.5 lbs, but still! It's the principal of the thing!

   So- now I'm here, not losing, but gaining. This is seriously a problem. I ALWAYS gain when I get too lax on the diet. So- I can't get lax. So- open season on me...let the butt kicking begin! Feel free... I can NOT let myself gain again. Next thing I know, I'll have gained all that I lost PLUS an extra 20 or so- um....no thanks. Not this time. I have a wedding dress to fit into, as well as I'm just genuinely tired of being a chunk.  :)

   

It sounds CRAAAZY, but I miss my 45+ lbs I've lost right now. The reason? I'm sitting in a big truck that won't start, in sub zero temps, with only a little auxillary heater to keep us warm. It's 47 degrees in this truck right now. I'm freezing my rear off! Now- normally I would NOT miss my lost weight, but for those of you who have lost...do you notice how much COLDER this winter seems compared to...Well, any other you can remember? LOL. So- this is only temporary. TA is on their way to jumpstart us. (it'll only be 4 hours!) Until then, I'll think of myself, at goal, in a bikini on the white sand shores of some tropical island! That's a warm thought. ;)

   We went to my sisters house last night for my brother-in-law's birthday- I even made him a birthday cake and everything. (Which Patrick said was good- but I didn't have any.) Anyway, we got there and I was running around playing with the neices and nephews....getting a REALLY good workout in the process! LOL When it came time for my brother-in-law to open his birthday present, my sister escorted me over to the couch and said "sit here" because apparently his presents were supposed to be good! She wanted me to have a good seat to see it! (I thought he was getting a stripper! Ya know, one of those funny ones who come dressed as bag ladies or something!) Anyway, I sat down on the couch, right next to my granny, and my mom was on my other side...

   So, waiting for BJ to open his presents, and who walks into the front door with a huge box all wrapped up for Christmas? Patrick. He asked BJ if he minded if I got an early Christmas present, even though it was supposed to be BJ's birhtday party. He came over and said that he wanted to give me my Christmas present a little early this year- then he said that in thinking of all the things that I had done for him, that he wanted to do something for me...and he had my present specifically made. He hopes I like it...

   I opened the box, and in it was a pillow. Round and red, with while trim- and it had our names embroidered on it (in Patrick's own handwritting which was really cool!) and the date of our very first date! 01/20/01. It was beautiful! Then, he took the pillow from me, and said some really beautiful things- but y'all will just have to wait for the YouTube video for ALL the details. Of course, I'm sitting there completely clueless as to what he was doing, until he dropped the pillow down on the floor at my feet and started to kneel on it (as OUR song was playing in the background of course- he thought of EVERYTHING) I of course started to cry- and he proposed to me. It was AMAZING!

   So-that's my new motivation. To lose the rest of my weight to fit into a really amazing wedding dress- so that I can stun Patrick when I walk down the aisle, as he has stunned me. (and made it so I'm floating on a cloud all day today!) And to top it all off- like a little cherry on my fluffy cloud of happiness, I am only ONE pound away from my Christmas Eve goal of 225!!!

Life is so so sweet!

Jessica a.k.a. the future Mrs. Crockarell