I brought my father back home yesterday and along with him my "conscience" to keep to the program...he's my best "support" team member! Thank you Dad!

...the more I'm freakin' out!! I'm proud of the work I've done - the bottom line is the better I'm looking (and more attention I'm getting) the more I'm messing up! There is a direct connection to the two issues! I have to get this under control because I have a long way to go yet and I'm going to reach my goal and NOT bounce back up!!! so get a grip Donna - deal with the fact that you're going to get attention - healthy and loving attention!!! Okay, I feel better again!

Well, one thing at a time right? My work environment is changing - my father is not doing well healthwise, I can't get down to see my dog and get hugs from her (that would really put things in perspective) and geez, what else - oh yea, I'm messing up (NS program wise) at night - I wonder why!!! HMMMMMMM!!! Well, I can identify my issues - I just need to handcuff myself to my bed so I can't get to the kitchen!!! (That sounds kinky but that's not the perspective I was going for - but it's good for a laugh!) I haven't been logging my intake into the site here - I haven't been drinking the water as I should have been and I haven't been doing the crunches I keep saying I know I need to do - ACCOUNTABILITY is my byword and there it is!! I'm accountable for what's NOT happening on the scale - up and down by a pound or two - then I'm good again - then I mess up again - I thought I had this handled that I felt when stresses were running me - obviously I haven't handled it after all!! But putting it into words helps me!!! I appreciate everyone on NS - Today is Monday - beginning right now I am going to log in my intake, drink the water and go do 20 crunches - throw away the stuff that I "go to" when I get home (the evening time is my weakest time of the day) - get some celery and make damn sure that's what I get when I do "weaken" - talking it out does help me and I appreciate anyone and everyone who is "listening" - with Dad - what happens will happen and I can't do anything about it! He's going to be 86 in less than two weeks - I'm here for him for as much as he will allow - his pride and self-esteem are paramount! Thanks again everyone!!

Man oh man!! I had some mind-blowing news on Tuesday - OMG!! My boss is being transferred to a GOD FORSAKEN store to get it squared away! It's messed up and she's just the person to get it right!! This is a "left handed compliment" to her - but it's also a message of "no good turn goes unpunished!" - we have the BEST store as far as "losses!" - (items that can't be accounted for) because our boss stays on top of it instead of letting it gather momentum then BAM - $80K in the red!!! We have an AWESOME team working there and we communicate! They aren't letting her take anyone with her as a support team - people who KNOW her and how to work with her! In a weak moment I almost volunteered! I'd do it too if the drive there wasn't sheer HELL!!! God protect me from myself! You know what they say about volunteering!!! Keep low and keep your freakin' hand DOWN!!! But she is going to NEED help!!! Someone who can and will stay with the program and KNOW what is expected! Help Help Help - Yikes!!!

Got on the "great iron god" and it spoke sweet somethin's in my ear!!! YES!!! A pound at a time is FINE - we're getting there!!! Thank you NS, courage, support and my Irish stubborness!!!

No big deal - I'm back into the mindset - decided to clear the cabinet of all the NS foods I have before I get a new shipment - I have enough to get thru 2 more weeks! Everything in there is stuff I like so it's not a sacrifice - it's sheer enjoyment! I think I'm going to get a special salad today - I need the treat! Thank you to everyone who has been understanding and supportive!!! You're all great!

I am giving myself the forgiveness I need - tomorrow is weigh in - whatever the number is - I'll own it and put it on the site - then go from there - a new week and start over - I'm not starting from square one - I'm starting from where I am now and moving forward - I've been distracted or something but focus is on! Whew! I'm half way there - I'm reaching my goal - my ultimate goal! It's there and I can see it!

Well, a good and a bad - first, Jelly Belly's are not a diet food - don't let anyone fool you!! They have been my source of energy for the last 3 days and boy are they showing up on the scale - could have also been the Monster Java drink - I'm on an inventory audit team at the base where I work and the work STARTS after the stores close - that means 6PM start time - late work means I've expended my allotted energy for the day but the work part of my day has just begun - dumb me - I've been downing Jelly Bellys - not a handful at a time but sufficient so that it's screwing with my program...that stopped as of last night!! No more Monster drinks either - water water water!!! Sorry bod - we're back on track...bye bye 4# back on - you're going by the wayside! NOW - I committed to the gym!! I went on Tuesday and Wednesday - one hour on the treadmill each day - 415 calories burned on Tuesday, 450 on Wednesday - elevation of 5 - 6 on Tuesday, elevation of 5 on Wednesday - speed 3.2 on Tuesday -- Wednesday speed was from 3.0 to 3.5 - heart rate from 119 to 150 for a period of 20 minutes - also did abductors and adductors for hips/thighs, leg extensions and arm extensions, oblique twists on Wednesday - just need to add crunches (lower) and we'll get this job done - So there we are - I'm owning my wrong doing and my good work!!! Onward!

Well, I will be in 2 1/2 more #s off - that is my ultimate goal!! I'm passed 1/2 way with the first goal! I know it's going to get harder with the more weight I drop but it will happen! 2010 is going to be one hellova a good year - it may have losses that are sad but it will also have successes to celebrate - life goes on! I'm ready for it - bring it on!!

Hey, I goofed last night - I weighed in yesterday morning and was VERY close to a major goal - all I had to do was to be SUPER good all day - I made it til the evening hour - after work (I get off at 8:30PM - working retail in the holiday season is a great bit of fun!!!) I got home and I was so hungry - so I figured, celery, I could eat some celery - that would fill me up and do no damage.....then I saw the downturn of celery...no flavor to celery...so I added...here it comes folks...I added peanut butter...there was my down fall...so I get on the scale this morning and low and behold...I was UP 2# from yesterday morning...my thoughts on that are as follows: I scared the heck out of myself getting so close to this next goal that I goofed up and had a setback...why? I am having people notice me...I'm really beginning to look good...I'm buying clothes that look good and I'm looking fine (not meaning to sound so damn vain but compared to how I was looking...it is a MAJOR improvement) - so why am I so afraid of looking good? Am I actually AFRAID of men approaching me? I've had a few men make complimentary comments...it felt kinda good...but it's scareing me a bit...I've been in the neutral zone for so long and felt "safe" there!! I am afraid of finding someone and giving my heart only to have it crushed again...but then the saying "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - I have loved - when I love I give all of me - I have found the perfect fit for me - but he isn't mine to have - so why continue to look? Why open my heart? So that's why I goofed...fear of hurt...stupid...I'm NOT God's gift to humanity (or the male part of it anyway) for goodness sake I'm 61 years old...I do have lots to offer but I fear who the "takers" will be... That's about it - at least I examined this reason for messing up and I know what it is - that's a big step - admitting the fear and moving beyond it!!! I think I can step off the next ledge and allow myself the forgiveness and go on with this program...I WILL COMPLETE THIS PROJECT - I am WORTHY of what I am doing - next is to take a 2 month "leave of absense" from my job and be CONSTANTLY working out to get into shape those parts that need the exercise - that will happen in Feb/Mar but I have to SAVE SAVE SAVE my $ - March may bring a trip to NYC to see my daughter and prospective son-in-law - I want to be able to do that without breaking a sweat moneywise - okay...I feel much better now...thank you for listening...

Hey, The Biggest Loser had it's finale tonight - Danny won with losing 55% of his body - my gosh - he looked fantastic!!!  I know the men and women on TBL have personal trainers at their necks for 12 weeks but then they have six weeks (or more) to train and watch their diet after they leave the ranch.  During that time they have the "make it or break it" period - no trainers, at the mercy of the same issues that caused them to gain all the weight - but they also have the carrot of $250K -

I can't even begin to say how much I would LOVE a month at the ranch!!!  To have Jillian and/or Bob to kick my butt for a month - wow!!  To be able to do NOTHING but work out for 8 hours a day...on the treadmill and all the other equipment...

As of tomorrow - I pledge that I will go to the gym after work and spend 30 minutes on the treadmill, 30minutes on the legs and 30 on the arms...it's time I give the next big surge for the bod!!!

Wish me luck!